SATIRE — A subterranean cemetery containing thousands of sexy bones was recently uncovered beneath the University of Louisiana at Lafayette. 

The catacombs stretch the full length of campus and penetrate as far as 15 feet beneath the red-bricked surface, according to a report from the Department of Anthropology. 

“With advanced underground imaging technology, a group of students discovered and subsequently threw a rave in the catacombs. After clearing away the glow sticks, we were able to study the bones in greater detail. Suck on that, archeology department,” the report said. 

Researchers are still unable to determine who exactly built the catacombs and for what purpose. When approached, a professor from the Department of Ancient Aliens said “It was probably ancient aliens.” 

One detail of note is that among the many, many human bones, researchers found many, many skeletons of campus squirrels in what can only be described as the squirrel version of Pearl Harbor, or what students on social media are calling “Squirrel Harbor.” The floor was reportedly littered with tiny little army helmets and rifles that mark a dark chapter in the history of campus squirrel-kind. 

Using dental records, bones in one area of the crypt were found to belong to former Honors seminar presenters. The cause of death, in this case, was determined to be an adrenaline overdose related to the pure, sometimes sexual rush that comes from giving an Honors seminar. The students’ families have been notified. 

The majority of the bones, however, have been traced back to students who seemed to have nothing in common at first glance. When cross-referencing their transcripts, researchers were able to find a connection. All of the bones belong to students who didn’t show up for their UNIV 100 classes during their first semester. Even though everyone knew that something bad happened to students who did that, virtually no one could have imagined that it was this bad. If you’re reading this right now and you’re a freshman who skipped even one session of UNIV 100, I’m sorry to say that your days are numbered. 

With help from a local witch coven, researchers were able to track down the entity that has been dragging these students to its evil sepulcher. A hidden chamber was found to contain the decomposing remains of none other than UL Lafayette’s former mascot Cayenne the Pepper. It’s the belief of the coven that every full moon, the spirit of Cayenne crosses into our mortal realm and reanimates the corpse of his youth. He searches the streets of campus in search of naughty students, longing to quench his Ragin’ spirit on the blood of those who would scorn his school. 

Despite this, the UL Lafayette administration was quick to capitalize on the marketing opportunities that the catacombs offer. Now, in addition to being the only college campus in the United States with a swamp, UL Lafayette is the only college campus in the United States with a haunted bone pit. 

UL Lafayette marketing is now selling human skull beanies and encouraging social media use of #Beauxnes ahead of next week’s intramural tennis tournament inside the catacombs. 

Alumni of the university will also be able to opt for an exclusive spot for their bones in lieu of a brick on the Walk of Honor. The university Office of Scamming detailed the full extent of this option in a press conference. 

“We want to give dedicated students the chance to make their alma mater their final resting place. There’s only so much space on the walk of honor, just like how there’s only so many football games you can go to before choking on a funnel cake,” Head Scammer Angelina Gracelly said during the press conference. “We’ll even decorate your corpse with all your favorite branded items from the UL Bookstore. It’s going to be simply ‘to die for.’” 

The city of Paris, France provided the following statement. 

“Nous aimons les os. Le monde a besoin de plus d’os, mais à la lumière de cette récente découverte, nous sommes attristés par la nouvelle de Squirrel Harbour. Repose en paix aux écureuils courageux qui ont sacrifié leur vie pour leur pays. Fromage.” 

Story: Cole Broussard