SATIRE — University of Louisiana at Lafayette’s immortal president, Dr. Savoie, has given administration an ultimatum: they must either lower Griffin Hall or raise campus. 

This announcement comes after years of pressure from the Office of the President. In previous statements, those close to Savoie have indicated his opinion of Griffin Hall has been, for lack of a better word, unfavorable. 

“We don’t know why he’s doing this. His office is full of red yarn connecting pictures of Griffin to Microsoft Paint art of squirrels that he printed out from his computer. It just doesn’t make any sense,” an administrative assistant who wishes to remain anonymous said. 

As unusual as this behavior might seem, it echoes a sentiment that students have expressed since time immemorial. Like, yeah, we get it. Griffin Hall is five stories high, and studies conducted by independent researchers indicate that that number is growing by a rate of at least zero. 

For many students, the stupid building is just too darn high. How are you expected to participate in a 400-level discussion as to whether or not Lady Macbeth was a girlboss when climbing the stairs leaves you out of breath for 45 minutes? It’s understandable that Savoie, a representative of the students, would want to address this concern. At this time, it’s uncertain if Savoie himself will be recognized by the university as a girlboss, but his recent statement definitely puts him in the running. 

The president’s statement also details how exactly campus life would be affected by this change, regardless of whether Griffin Hall is lowered or the rest of campus is raised. For starters, the university would only have to suspend classes for about seven years. This would give students time to watch a lot of Marvel movies, which makes sense given UL Lafayette’s recent announcement that they’ll be partnering with the media giant in a soon-to-be-announced blockbuster hit. 

Students shouldn’t worry though; it’s rumored that Marvel will allow students to keep their current credits as long as they buy tickets to WandaVision: The Musical on Broadway every year until campus reopens. 

This time will also give the university time to figure out exactly just how it’ll equalize campus. Being the lowest point on campus, Cypress Lake will most likely cease to exist if the campus is raised. In its place, we’ll hopefully receive a memorial in honor of all the female-presenting alligators who were lost during construction. And instead of being raised to a new height, Judice Rickels Hall will probably be demolished forever for obvious reasons. Likewise, the ancient statue beneath Judice Rickels Hall was unavailable for comment. 

If Griffin Hall is lowered, however, even more problems will arise. It begs the question: which floors will be removed? When asked about this issue, students had varied opinions. 

“I’m scared that with less space, Honors seminars will fall to the wayside. Right now, students talk about such poignant topics,” Junior anime major Angel Grace said. 

Other students offered proposals about how to decide which floors are removed: some ideas included hosting a Griffin Hall-esque Hunger Games in which professors will fight for their offices, blindfolding the wrecking ball operator and reassembling the entire building horizontally. Regardless, it’s uncertain as to what this decision would mean for whoever it is that actually likes Griffin Hall. 

When approached for comment, other buildings on campus also had plenty to say about Savoie’s ultimatum. 

“It’s about time that oversized shack was taken down a peg. I don’t care if I’m raised or that poser gets lowered. I just want to watch the world burn,” Rougeou Hall said. Maxim-Doucet Hall was particularly unphased by the entire ordeal and refused to comment until I correctly said what “PEMDAS” stood for. When I told them I was an art major, they blocked me on all forms of social media. When Fletcher Hall was asked about construction, all they could say was “kill me,” and similarly, Bourgeois Hall responded by saying “what are you guys talking about over there? I can’t hear you.” 

Whether campus is raised or lowered is entirely up to the Student Government Association. Current students should absolutely vote for whichever candidate they think will bring positive change to our university. This would also give The Vermilion the opportunity to report on students voting in SGA elections for the first time ever, so it’d be pretty epic regardless. 

No one knows exactly what Savoie will do if his ultimatum isn’t honored. Perhaps the long-rumored demon invasion from hell will be unleashed onto campus, which would be pretty sadface. I think we can all agree that some sort of blood oath or ritual sacrifice has taken place for Savoie to be this insistent. Even now, I can feel the eyes of some dark, cosmic entity that’s waiting to consume me. Cayenne… is that you? Please don’t hurt my children, I’m beg— 

Story: Cole Broussard