SATIRE — This is a time for celebration at the University of Louisiana at Lafayette. After decades of work, the Office of Student Engagement and Leadership has confirmed that Angelica Gruffy, a freshman criminal justice major, is officially the millionth white person inducted into Greek life on campus. 

Gruffy was inducted into Pie Apple Deltoid sorority this Wednesday in a secret ritual that we’re pretty sure involved a live donkey and a VHS copy of Legally Blonde. Her membership fees include a portion of her liver and the equity of her parents’ hedge fund. 

“It’s really a win for representation,” Greek Advisor Patricia Sullivan said. “Not many other universities have gotten to this point, so I think we’re really lucky to see real change happen in our lifetimes.” 

This historic achievement comes at a time in which the university is focusing hard on promoting campus diversity. Students on campus might have noticed that crosswalks on St. Mary Boulevard now use racially ambiguous stick figures to let pedestrians know when it’s safe to cross. 

“We really want to make everyone here feel included. Sometimes, it’s just not enough to see yourself represented in the majority of Congress. What we need is to come together as a country despite all the differences that we invented 300 years ago,” Sullivan said. 

Even more impressive is the fact that LGBT+ students at UL Lafayette not only have the option of using whatever bathroom they want, they can actually use the bathroom wherever they want. And students who skateboard between classes will be given gift cards to Hot Topic free of charge as a thank you for making our campus a more radical place. 

These huge milestones show that the university is committed to diversity, and with our millionth white Greek, it seems that commitment has finally paid off. 

In fact, Greek life at UL Lafayette has never been more diverse. For the first time ever, many fraternities on campus are actually accepting men who sometimes like to paint their nails but are still straight. Sororities have also started welcoming women with more than three piercings, if you can believe it. It’s these changes that paved the way for Gruffy, the millionth white Greek at UL Lafayette, to make history. 

“I’m just honored to be so popular now. As a white person, I’m really not used to the spotlight. And as a gamer girl, I know what it’s like to be oppressed. I hope I can inspire women like me to make a real difference in their suburban communities,” Gruffy said. 

Following this news, the University Program Council has announced a full week of events to celebrate. These events include fun activities such as gentrification, yoga and other things that white people like. They’ll also be free of charge for students who can prove that they know every word to “Don’t Stop Believin’” by Journey. And what’s more, the Office of Student Engagement and Leadership will provide a free seminar on how to make an Instagram account for your dog. 

It’s important to keep in mind what we can do as students to promote diversity on campus. Now, I don’t know much about “critical race theory,” but it’s my theory that every race is critical to making our university an inclusive place. And with one million white people in Greek life, it’s safe to say that this theory has finally paid off. 

Story: Cole Broussard