SATIRE — In an unprecedented event, university researchers confirmed that a man had an opinion as recently as Friday, Oct. 22. The researchers immediately alerted the media to their scientific discovery, and further work to examine what this means for the world as a whole is already underway. 

When asked what the opinion was, researchers told The Vermilion, “The man in question said that the new Adele song was ‘just OK.’ 

We’re all deeply disturbed by this discovery.” 

It was previously believed that men were unable to hold unique opinions due to a Y-linked chromosome. Scientists determined that men were simply meant to be seen rather than heard. When’s the last time you heard a man give his unsolicited political opinions? Do you remember a time when a man made you listen while he talked about sports? Exactly. These things just don’t happen in the real world. Most men would never make someone uncomfortable, and they remain mostly silent, even when Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is talking. 

Now, however, it’s uncertain whether this era of peace will continue. The man identified by university researchers wishes to remain anonymous (another opinion) but will continue working with scientists to understand his affliction. If opinions are in fact contagious, researchers will be able to determine if they’re spread through the air or via skin contact. 

Luckily, every man on the planet is obviously already wearing a mask due to the COVID-19 pandemic, so airborne particles are no biggie. As for skin-to-skin contact, we’re also covered—our society simply doesn’t allow men to touch each other outside of strictly heterosexual rituals like fist-bumping or filming TikToks. 

As long as fist-bumps are kept to a minimum, we should be able to control the spread of these pesky opinions and save the world infinite amounts of time and money. Imagine a world in which your male boss is actually able to speak to you. Personally, I shudder at the thought. 

In light of this scientific discovery and with the threat of contagion, members of Congress have already started drafting legislation that would outlaw the utterance of bad, incorrect opinions. The bill would ban any and all opinions having to do with Star Wars, and it would reaffirm what everyone should already know: racism, sexism, homophobia and transphobia aren’t even opinions at all. 

In addition, our all-female Supreme Court is reviewing their most insane, crazy cases to prepare for the influx of men who have something to say about “free speech.” 

As men start making more outlandish claims, they’ll undoubtedly be confused that their actions actually have consequences. When their businesses close after they share some climate change denial post on Facebook, it’s almost certain that they’ll incorrectly assume their free speech is under attack. 

Hopefully though, this man’s opinion was just a one-time, random event. I can’t even begin to imagine the kind of eye-rolling, billionaire-worshipping society we’d live in if men could think for themselves. Don’t even get me started on the idea of them running for public office.