SATIRE — The Vermilion regrets to inform readers that the moment you’ve feared is finally here — gender has arrived at the University of Louisiana at Lafayette. 

The announcement came earlier this week, when students took to Twitter in protest of a bathroom sign on campus that reads “men/women.” In a flurry of tweets, students questioned the university’s omission of more gender-neutral language. Many believe the sign could simply have read “bathroom” or “all.” 

For years now, UL Lafayette has enjoyed a state of blissful ignorance — a world in which biological sex and gender are one and the same. Despite this, the internet has led many to believe that they’re completely separate, citing peer-reviewed psychological studies (as if science is even a real thing.) 

In reality, everyone knows what man parts and woman parts are, even if you haven’t seen them in real life and don’t really know how they work, like all of us here at The Vermilion. As far as we’re concerned, gender is what’s in your pants, and we’re not talking about those melted M&M’s in your pocket.

To be a man means listening to podcasts and finding really cool sticks in the woods. To be a woman also means listening to podcasts, but only true crime ones, as well as stealing McDonald’s french fries from the bag on the way home from the drive-thru. We all know this to be true, yet some seek to destroy the status quo.

The university has escaped the fallout of this cultural degradation for as long as it could manage, but it seems like with this latest controversy, the day of reckoning is finally upon us. 

Once the university adopts gender neutral language, there’s no telling what will happen to the average student’s bathroom experience. 

As it stands, students enjoy peaceful, clean sessions on the porcelain thrones in every building on campus. Charming, insightful graffiti demonstrates the university’s commitment to both poetry and visual art. 

All of this culture will be lost when we woke-ify our defecation stations. Men and women will descend into madness, forgetting who they are and how society works. They’ll forget that blue is for boys and pink is for girls. They won’t understand that the illustrations on bathroom signs prove that men are square and women are triangles. 

The idea that gender is a construct will force them to reckon with the fact that their biases have no basis in science or logic. And as we all know, a college campus is no place for critical thinking.

When asked about this issue, Alegna Affecarg, an adjunct professor teaching gender and sexuality studies, expressed excitement. 

“I love chaos. The blue hair dye and vegan kombucha have combined in my brain such that the rules of society mean nothing to me,” Affecarg said. “Bathrooms aren’t just bathrooms, they’re battlegrounds. As such, me and my SJW comrades won’t stop until every stall comes equipped with a screen that plays ‘RuPaul’s Drag Race’ episodes on loop.”

So, UL Lafayette students, get ready. Enjoy your genitals while you still can. Once the bathroom sign that reads “men/women” changes, the university will finally exist in the 21st century. The Vermilion will report more on this story as it develops.