Satire-A few years ago, I came to the University of Louisiana at Lafayette for a summer dance camp. I got lost on campus with one of my dance coaches, and we stumbled across Cypress Lake. This was back in 2018, so there was no fence around the lake. 

Yes, there was a time where Cypress Lake did not have a fence. Very questionable decisions on behalf of the university, but you know, we all make mistakes when it comes to the safety of humans sometimes.

It got me thinking though, why has there never been an injury report? We have multiple wild alligators, who were not fenced in until recent years, out and about. This led me to a theory.

Animatronics. What do I mean? I mean exactly that, the alligators are animatronics. That can be the only reason as to why they have never bit anyone.

Not related to the fact that the alligators are all young, females, who don’t nest, so they don’t feel the predatory instinct to protect their territory. They are sort of like a sorority, with less hostility.

In this day and age animatronics are insanely realistic. The flying Spider-Man at Disneyland’s Avengers Campus is an animatronic. He had the internet completely fooled, until he eventually malfunctioned and crashed into the buildings. The point is, you could be watching an animatronic in action and you wouldn’t even know it.

Alligators don’t really move much, so animatronics make perfect sense! Animatronics are also easy to manage. You wouldn’t realize the animatronic alligator was broken, because you would just assume the alligator was sunbathing.

A question you may have is, “why would we fake having alligators?” I too asked myself this once. Until I was enlightened, the CIA partnered with the university to see if students would fall for the animatronics. I did not fall for it.

I wanted to ask my fellow students how they felt on this matter. So, I stood in front of Cypress Lake with a sign that read “The CIA doesn’t want you to know what I know! COME TALK TO ME PLEASE.” I was not able to get a quote from anyone, just weird looks. I think my tin foil hat deterred them.

Nonetheless, I resorted to getting a quote from the actual alligators. I figured since I was talking about them, I should confront them. When asked for a quote, I was met with blank stares and rude silence. Again, very sorority-like.

The CIA must have heard me talking about the alligators being fake. Mainly because I yelled it really loud, but I didn’t expect them to hear me. I started stalking every move the alligators made, which were none since they don’t move.

Further proving my point that the alligators are fake, campus police became keenly aware of me. It may have been because I jumped in the lake to get a closer inspection of the animatronic alligators. Apparently, this was not allowed.

After getting escorted off the premises and issuing a public apology, I still wanted to fight for my cause. So, after sneaking back onto campus under a new identity, I started a group. This group consists of like minded individuals who also think the alligators are fake.

We resort to more peaceful means of protest now. We just sit near the lake and judge students who think the alligators are real. Stay vigilant out there, you never know who’s watching.