SATIRE-APRIL FOOLS
Student Publications staff have been reporting some supernatural occurrences in their headquarters Guillory Hall. Staff members have claims ranging from small to big. One person (who wishes to stay anonymous) claims that papers spontaneously arranged themselves in a stack.
“I was alone one day in the office doing work and had papers scattered all over the table when all of a sudden I felt a gust of wind and my papers all of a sudden were in a neat stack. And I faintly heard ‘A messy work space is a bad work space’ At that moment I grabbed my stuff and ran as fast I could.”
One writer refutes the claim of the “hauntings.”
“Honestly I just think it is the overactive imagination of stressed out college kids. It is normal to have papers automatically be in a neat stack.”
Other witnesses have claimed that the Oxford commas they put in their articles have disappeared on their own. And every time a writer forgets the Lafayette in UL Lafayette it magically appears.
The TV and desktops have been reported to randomly go on and off without explanation. I have also heard a legend that at the stroke of midnight the piano that is in Guillory without explanation the keys start to move.
When asked to make a statement on these claims the university sent this to me.
“We at the University of Louisiana at Lafayette deny the rumors that Guillory Hall is plagued with paranormal activities. This email will self-destruct in three… two… one. BOOM!”
Hearing all of these stories I decided to do some investigative reporting of my own. So I got out the Ouija Board, lit some candles and decided to do an old fashion seance.
I started out with simple questions like, “Is anyone here?” (the planchette moved to yes). I then started to get deeper “Can I have an interview with you? I’m just curious why you are here.”
Then the candles went out and the wind outside started to pick up. All of a sudden one candle lit up and a man dressed in Victorian era clothing and with a villain mustache appeared. He looked at me and said,
“Finally someone wants to talk to me. It gets very juvenile trying to get you young people’s attention with silly parlor tricks.”
I stared stunned looking at him and surprised how open he was. I then started asking my questions. First of course his name and how long he has been dead.
“My name is Vincent Reginald Parkington the third and I have been dead for 125 years and counting.”
Vincent went on to tell me how tired he is of people asking him how he died.
“Honestly it is the least interesting thing about me, so much so I am not even going to tell you. Why don’t you ask me about my hobbies (I’ve been getting into watercolors recently), and what my favorite songs are.”
I changed my line of questioning when he said this and asked what is your favorite song. He then smiled when I asked and answered.
“Dead Man’s Party” by Oingo Boingo, honestly any ghoulish themed song is on my Spotify playlist.”
He then pulled out a pipe and delved into his favorite and least favorite portrayal of ghosts in the media. (And part of the conversation was edited for clarity).
“I have seen many portrayals of ghosts throughout my undead years and I have some thoughts. First I have never heard of a ghost who wants to possess a person that is a Hollywood tall tale. I decided to do some light reading and picked up Henry James’ “Turn of the Screw” because I have a lot of time on my hand.
“And I just found the story silly and unrealistic. Why can’t we have a ghost story with the ghost just wanting to have tea with the living? Why do they always have to be “spooky” and cause the witness to turn paper white with terror? Now Casper the Friendly Ghost is a character I can relate to. And don’t get me started with all those ghost hunting reality shows. All utter drivel.”
We get to the part of our interview where I start to ask the hard questions the reason why I decided to sacrifice a Friday to do a midnight seance. Why was Vincent haunting us?
“Why did I decide to make things move and edit articles? Well you know when you’ve been dead for over a century like me you get bored and want to play some pranks on some unsuspecting mortals. I might not be scary, but sometimes ghosts just want to have fun.”
The sun was starting to come out by the time he finished this sentence and I could start seeing Vincent fade so I asked one final question: why Guillory Hall?
“Well by some unexplained circumstance, I am bound to this building and if I have to stay in this place for eternity might as well make it worthwhile.”
And with that Vincent disappeared into the rising sun and I was left sleep deprived in Guillory alone or was I?