Growing up on the Autism spectrum meant I didn’t really have any true friends until about middle school. While social situations, such as making friends, have become much easier, pursuing personal relationships is a whole different ball park. In fact, this seems to be a pretty common struggle for a lot of neurodivergent people across the spectrum.
There are so many factors that go into creating connections with people, social cues, personal boundaries and even physical affection all seem very alien. A big struggle, at least for me, is distinguishing feelings.
What does it mean to like and what does it mean to love? When I would listen to friends speak about their own relationships, it always stumped me how they are able to become close to people so quickly. What is so different between developing a friendship versus dating someone? How do you pick out “This person I want to date” and “This person I want to be friends with” before even knowing anything about them?
Of course you want to become friends with people you are interested in, but I feel that any type of interest doesn’t develop until I’ve known somebody for years before that. Any type of closeness, even if it is just the friendship kind, takes awhile to develop for neurodivergent people. Not to say any of that isn’t true for neurotypical people, but I find they are able to create and obtain relationships much faster. Really it is just a difference of the brain.
Another thing to consider, as I mentioned before, is personal boundaries. Many neurodivergent people are very sensory-focused, meaning that touch, sound, smells or sights can become overwhelming. I know from experience that I get overstimulated socially if I am around people too long, even those I am close with.
This in itself can make personal relationships difficult, especially if your partner is neurotypical. While neurotypical people normally have no problem being together for long periods, it is much more difficult for those on the spectrum.
Speaking on sensory issues, a lot of neurodivergent people (not all of course) have difficulty with physical touch. Personally, I struggle with physical touch/ affection even around close family or friends. How long is too long to hug someone? Am I sitting too close or not close enough? A lot of times in life or in the media you see couples holding hands or snuggling up on a couch, and it all seems very natural.
To me, holding someone’s hand feels more like a job than something enjoyable. It’s difficult for neurodivergent people to read a situation, whether physical touch is okay, and what level of physical touch is deemed acceptable. There are so many unsaid “rules” and social cues that are hard to pick up if you aren’t aware of them. This is especially true when it comes to flirting.
Fidgeting, for example, can even be seen as a way to display interest. Twirling your hair around your finger seems like a classic movie representation of this, but to neurodivergent people fidgeting is just fidgeting. We don’t pick up as readily on body language like neurotypical people do, we take most things at face value. This can create a disconnect and people will just simply think you aren’t interested in them.
I feel that there is also a disconnect when it comes to neurotypical people trying to read neurodivergent people. People on the spectrum express themselves very differently.
What seems like an endless rant about a special interest can really mean “Hey you are really cool! To show that, I am going to tell you about this other thing that is really cool!” Or even random gifts can be a sign that they are thinking of you. Many autistic people spend time with others through parallel play, where you are doing something separately but still in each other’s space.
Although these things make it difficult for neurodivergent people to form personal relationships it doesn’t mean we never do. I think now more than ever, forming connections have become more accessible through the use of the internet. Anxiety can be very apparent for people on the spectrum especially when it comes to face to face social situations. Chatting with someone online removes some of that pressure and leaves more room for connection.
Personal relationships for me will always be difficult because I am neurodivergent, but that is okay. I feel it has become way too common these days for people to rush into relationships that end up badly. I have no problem taking my time and waiting for someone that truly understands me.