Back in August of 2023, I left home to attend college 10,012 miles away, coming all the way here to Lafayette. I said my goodbyes, left my life behind in Singapore and got myself ready to embrace the new life that awaited me. Ever since I stepped foot into the departure gate that August, I was never the same girl that left again.
The months leading up were bittersweet, filled with goodbyes and “see you soon,” although “soon” meant months or even a year. I met up with both close and old friends, hoping to reconnect with them one last time before I left because I was afraid that the chance to do so would get slimmer once I went abroad.
Every day, I was filled with the fervent desire to experience something “for the last time,” or see someone “for the last time.”
Although, “for the last time” was probably an exaggeration because I can still travel back home to visit during breaks.
While that filled me with sadness and guilt, I also became a lot more grateful for everything that I had, especially the things, places and people that were easy to take for granted.
I ate with my family almost everyday, went over to my grandmother’s house more to spend time with her and have her food, patronized local eateries like hawker centers more and took the public buses and trains more often. I would go on but the list is endless.
Owing to the fact that it was Singapore’s National Day just two days before my flight, I had a nice closure before I left. Maybe it was because I was about to leave soon, but that day felt extra special for me, and I was filled with pride and love for my country.
I was fortunate enough to have my father, who graduated from here back in 1987, accompany me on my journey here to ease my transition. My sister was still a student here at that time as well, but she was a graduating senior which meant that she would only be here with me for a semester.
When the fall 2023 semester began, I was initially filled with doubts and uncertainties. I was not sure where I would fit in and worried about finding a place where I belonged.
That was when I discovered Infinity Dance Group, who welcomed me with open arms despite me being different.
Joining the team was one of the best decisions that I ever made. I got to do what I love doing most, dance, and with teammates who became family. The team has been nothing but loving, accepting and supportive. I owe a great deal of my college journey so far to them.
For the most part of the semester though, I still spent most of my time with my sister who was my best friend and pillar of support. She helped assimilate me into this new environment and we forged so many precious memories together. It was a painful goodbye to our time together here when she graduated in December of 2023.
Her graduation meant that I would have to move forward with my college journey completely alone with no family here at all. While that was nerve wracking, I was also excited because I could learn to live independently and experience immense personal growth.
Spring 2024 brought the most change and growth. Being alone for the first time in a foreign country, I had to really push myself out of my comfort zone and make things happen for myself. That was when I joined The Vermilion to further pursue my passion in journalism and gain experience.
The biggest change was that I finally found my people. I put myself out there more, made more connections and forged deeper friendships. I formed a support system with friends who took away feelings of homesickness. They cared for me and loved me for who I am, looking past all our differences.
Fast forward to the present moment, I am now halfway through my third semester here. While still consistently seeking new experiences and meeting new people, I am in a good place where my life is mostly stable and comfortable, and I have a close knit circle of friends.
Now that I have gotten past the settling down part, my next step is working towards the future. As an international student from a small country, I want to grasp opportunities that I am not able to experience in Singapore while I still can.
Undeniably, my life would be set and secure if I were to just return home after graduation since Singapore has good job prospects and my family is there. However, I have always known that bigger and greater things were waiting for me out in the world. If I never get out of Singapore, I would always remain in that Little Red Dot, wondering about what could be.
Constantly living with this uncertainty about my future, I am also constantly living with guilt. Guilty about leaving my loved ones, missing important occasions like birthdays and holidays, guilty about preferring the lifestyle in the U.S., and guilty for even having the thought of staying in the U.S. past graduation, even if it is just short-term.
It is a complex feeling indeed, wanting to go out there and chase your dreams but feeling guilty for leaving home, where you grew up and where all the people you love are. Also, once you are abroad and start building a life there, you come to a realization that you now have two homes. You have people and a life you love in two very different parts of the world.
Where do you belong then?