Attachment styles: How well do you connect with other people? 

Have you ever been in a relationship, regardless of the kind, and for some reason, there’s just this consistent disconnect between you and the person? Maybe you’re the kind of person that likes to address conflict immediately, whereas they’re the kind of person that needs a day to process things. 

You could also end up in a situation where a person initially shows interest in you, you reciprocate that energy, and after a couple of months, that person pulls away. 

These situations can be incredibly frustrating, especially if you and/or the other person don’t understand yourselves well enough to effectively communicate these differences and why they exist. I’ve been in situations like these myself and, due to my personal interest in psychology, I decided to look into how these kinds of things come about. When researching, I stumbled upon the attachment theory. 

Attachment theory was jointly created by psychoanalysts John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, beginning in 1950. Although both had done significant research surrounding the topic prior to meeting, things began to come together once Ainsworth produced experimental evidence from her study she conducted in Uganda. 

According to an article from the National Library of Medicine, entitled “A Review of Attachment Theory in the Context of Adolescent Parenting”, attachment theory “explains positive maternal-infant attachment as a dyadic relationship between the infant and the mother that provides the infant with a secure base from which to explore the world.” 

Based on a person’s relationship with their mother, a person can develop a specific attachment style, which can affect their personal relationships throughout their life. 

The attachment style categorization originated from Ainsworth’s “Strange Situation” procedure. In that procedure, a series of stressors was invoked upon one year-old children. Based on their responses, Ainsworth was able to categorize their attachment styles into three different groups. 

The original three categories, or styles, were secure, anxious and resistant. 

Over time, and with more research being conducted on the subject, psychologists and psychoanalysts were able to come up with more names and categorizations for the attachment styles that were a bit more specific to a person’s behaviors in regards to attachment. 

Currently, the four attachment styles are secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized. Each of them have their own attributes, though some may have slight similarities. 

Secure attachment is the most common of the four styles. People with secure attachments typically have a positive relationship with others, as well as themselves. 

They also find it easier to cultivate trusting and healthy relationships/bonds with others, due to having that sort of relationship with their initial caregiver. 

Anxious attachment derives from an inconsistent and unreliable relationship that was had with the primary caregiver. This causes the individual to have a fear of rejection and abandonment. 

People with an anxious attachment style have a hard time trusting others, as well as themselves, and they usually need constant reassurance and validation from others. 

Avoidant attachment stems from a person having a very dismissive or emotionally unavailable caregiver as a child. People with avoidant attachment prefer independence over vulnerability, and suppress their emotions to avoid making deep connections with others due to their fear of the relationship failing. 

Disorganized attachment, also known as fearful avoidant, is sort of like a mixture between anxious and avoidant attachment. Individuals with this attachment style tend to struggle between desiring intimate connections and pulling away out of fear. 

After doing my due diligence and some introspective thinking, I realized that I have a disorganized attachment style. Originally, especially when I was younger, I would definitely have said that I had an anxious attachment style, as that’s what resonated with me the most. However, as time has passed and situations have occurred, I realized that I am now in a space where I have allowed myself to develop a slight aversion to intimacy and partnership. 

The more that I research and understand the attachment styles, the more I begin to think that I actually may have had disorganized attachment all along. 

I may have just been more anxious in the various relationships I’ve encountered. 

As far as how my attachment style has manifested in my relationships and how it’s affected them, I would say that it played a big role. 

I feel like I’ve definitely attracted very avoidant individuals, which makes sense, because my primary caregiver is avoidant. 

However, I do think that as I pursue secure attachment, I believe that I have been able to see the patterns within myself, as well as others, and make better decisions based on those. 

Learning about the attachment styles has given me a greater understanding of the human mind, as well as how we as people connect with others. 

Everything is not linear, and at some point, a person’s baggage will get in the way. 

It is up to you, as a partner, friend, family member etc., to decide whether or not you’re willing to go through the ebbs and flows of their healing journey.