How do I handle losing the ones I love?

In 2019, at the age of 13, I labeled that year as one of the worst years of my life. This was solely because I lost my grandfather to cancer. I didn’t have a dad growing up, so I looked up to him as a father, which made his death 10 times harder for me to handle.

Unfortunately, six years later, I’m experiencing a similar pain. In February, I lost my aunt due to many health issues. Since January, she had been going back and forth between the hospital, until one night, she wasn’t able to come back home anymore.

Her death, too, was heavy for me to handle. I’m originally from Gonzales (not far from Baton Rouge), however, my aunt lived out here in Lafayette. She was one of the main reasons I felt comfortable with making the move to University of Louisiana at Lafayette. I knew that I wouldn’t be completely alone and would have some family with me.

Death is, sadly, natural. For the most part, it is never really in anyone’s interest to lose the ones they love. However, suffering is a part of life, and death plays a big role in that. So, by knowing this fact, it’s hard to make sense of how to be okay with losing those that you care so much about. 

When my grandpa passed away, I immediately consumed myself with busyness. I went to school, dance practice, found events to go to, did whatever I could so I didn’t have to think about it–refusing myself any time to cope. Nonetheless, every night I ended up finding myself going to sleep only being able to think about him.

Being left alone at night with my thoughts was the worst thing I could’ve done to myself. I probably spent a year crying myself to sleep every night. He passed away, I cried, and moved on with my life. I hid my emotions from everyone, only letting them out when I was alone.

I cannot say this enough, this was a horrible way to mourn. It never allowed me to cope with what I was feeling and only gave me the opportunity to isolate myself in sadness. 

Fortunately, now, I can say that I have found peace in his death, and have been living quite some time without being overwhelmed by the idea that he is gone. This pain, this burden of shaming myself of showing emotions, no longer haunts me, or at least it didn’t until this past month.

Now that my aunt has passed, my mind has rerouted back to its negative patterns, telling myself: “I wasn’t there enough for her,” “I have no one with me anymore,” “I should have visited more,” “I’m going to be alone here.” For the next three days, I kept myself trapped in isolation, just me and these ideas overconsuming an insane amount of time in my head–which I must say, I don’t recommend.

Finally, a few days later, I knew things needed to change. I couldn’t fall back into forcing myself into busyness, but I also knew I couldn’t let myself sit in a depressive state. So I resorted to talking it out. Yeah, wild idea, right?

After a few days, I asked a friend if I could talk to her about it. In reality, this was really just a one-sided conversation. I talked, she listened, and through that, I was able to process what I was feeling and why.

The concept of death can unravel the way our minds function in so many ways, which ultimately leads us down a path of self-destruction. We start to consume ourselves with obsessive negative notions and never allow ourselves grace and peace.

Thankfully, I allowed myself that this time. I won’t lie, it was hard to let myself mourn properly, especially because I didn’t know how at first. Yet, by forcing myself to take the time out of my day, and opening the chance to process what I’m feeling, brought me to a quicker peaceful state of mind.

I know many people don’t want to talk their feelings out, but I highly recommend it. You should allow yourself to take time and think about your feelings. What exactly are you feeling? What are the roots of those emotions? How are you expressing those emotions? There are so many directions that our brain can go that we don’t realize. So, it’s a necessity to sit aside and figure it all out.

Also, thinking out loud is probably the best way to process. When you hear yourself say things out loud, they become real to you, helping you gain an understanding of where your mindset is coming from and how to direct it. Processing your emotions isn’t necessarily hard, but it’s different if you’ve never given yourself the chance before.

It’s important to note that processing and allowing yourself to feel emotions doesn’t mean sitting and rotting in them. To feel them is to discern why they are there and to know that it’s okay to feel the way you do, not to succumb to them. In that case, you will just fall into internal turmoil and, most of the time, a depressive state of mind.

This is the key difference, and once you are able to separate the two, you can, hopefully, cope better with the death of others.

Death will always be a part of our lives, but we get to decide on how much we let it affect us. So, to those struggling with loss, like me, I give you my condolences and hope that you allow yourself to grow in this moment. Stay strong, you got this.