The unsettling truth of parasocial online relationships with others 

Kendall Jenner’s makeup routine, Emma Chamberlain’s Architectural Digest house tour and Ariana Grande’s skin care steps are some YouTube videos that have been recommended to me at some point over the last few years. I remember watching the first not long after it was posted four years ago. 

In the video, Jenner, a model, businesswoman and billionaire, addresses the camera with a bare face and walks though her “simple” makeup routine step by step sharing her secrets of beauty with the viewer. Watching the video I felt disarmed by the celebrity who I usually saw exclusively in full prestige. Like we were two friends getting ready together and chatting about our favorite products. 

This feeling is unsettling when you realize that we were anything but friends, in fact Kendall Jenner has no clue who I am and probably never will. Why, then, did I feel like we were connected through that video? And why does this feeling creep up every time I see other media of this genre? The answer — this was my first experience of a parasocial relationship. 

Mostly affecting Gen Z, parasocial relationships are defined by Psychology Today as “one-sided relationships in which a person develops a strong sense of connection, intimacy, or familiarity with someone they don’t know.” These connections are most often made with celebrities or social media influencers. 

Celebrities have always been revered, largely due to the mystery of their lives. Movie stars and famous musicians live lives that are unattainable to the majority, therefore they leave us with so many questions and longings to relate to them in whatever ways we can. 

The figures that we are drawn to often emulate characteristics we want for ourselves. 

For example, following Kendall Jenner’s makeup routine with the end goal of looking like her, although deep down we know it is impossible to achieve via a 10-minute YouTube video. 

The advent of the YouTube “vlogger” has only aided in this phenomenon. “Vlogging” rose to popularity in the early 2010s and introduced a new level of closeness to online personalities. This content creation centered around virtually “spending the day with” the influencer and found a following among primarily teenage girls. 

These videos were excellent at making the viewer feel like they were just hanging out with a friend on FaceTime. It allowed a very close personal look into peoples’ lives, a perspective that in previous years was only attainable by close friends or family. 

The most alluring aspect of these false relationships is they do not bear any risk of rejection. There is no barrier to entry for these “friendships,” and it is often a way for people to feel like they have a connection that is filling a need somewhere within them. 

So what’s the issue? It seems harmless enough, and if people feel these “relationships” are fulfilling maybe it’s a good thing, right? 

The truth is, parasocial connections are neither good or bad, but they can quickly develop into obsession. It is incredibly important that we are all well aware of the limits of these relationships, and that they don’t always have our best interests at heart. 

Think back to the first example of Kendall Jenner’s makeup routine. This video is posted to Vogue’s YouTube channel and was made in partnership with Jenner and Vogue, therefore a business deal. All the products she used in the video were neatly linked in the description and throughout the routine there were several breaks for ads. 

These “candid” portraits of celebrities that we have become quite accustomed to in the 21st century are usually nothing more than avenues to make money. It’s a sad truth to hear, especially when enveloped in a parasocial mindset. 

One might think, “but my favorite celebrity would never do that, they are kind and genuine — I really feel like I have a connection with them.” While there may be a connection, there certainly cannot be true knowledge of character. Often celebrities and influencers have carefully curated branding weaved throughout their content seamlessly to either promote their own product or to keep you watching. 

They know that having an established “bond” with you, building trust and having consistency is a successful business model, and they are in the business of your engagement. 

It may be true that not every person on your screen intends to lure you into spending money, but it’s naive to feel that you know someone based on the information they and their team choose to share on the internet. 

Parasocial relationships have always been part of popular culture, but target new generations more than others because of our access to these figures, and their access to us. 

These connections will also never stop, they are part of the human need for leadership and community. Enjoying entertainment isn’t wrong, but we’d be foolish to assume we know the personal lives of our favorite celebrities.