Campus has always been a funny thing to me–filled with laughter, community and joy. Yet lingering in the background, if you look hard enough, is isolation, longing and struggle. It is weird to watch the tension between both sides coexist. Groups walk to class together, but when you look over, there is usually someone who sits alone, not having that kinship. I have seen it in the quad, even in the union but, more recently, in myself.
It is so easy to be on campus and experience everything it has to offer. Living in the dorms means you are within walking distance from everything. Community is dangling at one’s fingertips.
This year, however, I can only notice when a moment begins to end. There is a shift in the atmosphere that I recognize way too easily. It’s a trap from my mind, of course. Telling me that I’m left out, or that there’s everyone else and then there’s me.
When living on campus, moments, even memories, seem continuous. Even though you leave someone or something for the night, there is a feeling that it is still in the room with you at the end of the day. This is my first year fully living off-campus, and these moments feel different. There is an ending to them, and I am not sure when, or even if, they will start again once I leave for the day.
So I find myself walking on campus alone, surrounded by the thousands of students here. Wondering if those blissful moments from my first two years are up. And I catch my mind sinking back into the same thoughts as before. “I am left out.” “It is just me.” No one warns you about this and not everyone realizes it’s even happening to them.
Honestly, living off-campus is glorified in a sense, but, at one point, campus was my home. I joined all these organizations, I volunteered, I met tons of new people. It is hard to put into words: this place was my own, and now it feels as if it is just a visiting area. Any connection I once had is gone.
“Then why leave in the first place?” Seems like the obvious question, right? Well, it did seem glorious at first. I do think, though, that there is so much to gain living off-campus. More responsibility, more discipline and, honestly, more freedom. Which, depending on who you ask, may not be desirable benefits, but as a growing individual, I think these qualities are important to one’s life.
I want to be able to incorporate these new lifestyle traits without losing parts of my life from when I did live on campus. So, as I get more accustomed to this new lifestyle that I have implemented for myself, I have to understand that connections, true connections, are rooted deeply.
My connection with campus did not end; it just changed. I am still a part of organizations, I still have my same friends and I still have the opportunity to make new memories.
It’s up to us to keep connections strong. In the ability to hold onto it, and though as a commuter, there is a physical distance, I can still take those moments from the years before and keep them up to date. Reminding myself I belong and that my distance from the school isn’t a reflection of my relationships within school.
It is important not to let this idea of being an outsider become a mentality. There is a beauty in staying connected with a place that once was a part of you. Just because campus isn’t my physical home anymore doesn’t mean it’s been transformed into an unknown territory. And by not allowing my mind to revoke its own memories of this place, simply because of distance, helps build a sense of association.
If you are a commuter, there will probably be times you feel as though you are not connected to campus or those on it; maybe you do not want to be. But I want to encourage you to hold onto those memories and fight to make new ones. You are as much a part of the university as anyone else is. This is how we learn to evolve with a community.
Allow the strangers to become friends, and allow the friends to become family. Keep joining the clubs, show up to the events and make this place your own. We are all at this school for one reason or another, so we might as well make the most of it. Memories are waiting to be made; we just have to push ourselves to make them.