SATIRE — The University of Louisiana at Lafayette has reported that vending machine purchases have increased by a factor of 500% this semester. This report comes in the wake of a recent article from The Vermilion, in which the Office of Housing commented on an increase in marijuana usage on campus. 

    At this time, it’s unknown whether these data points are significantly linked. Marijuana scientists at UL Lafayette have been unable to reasonably prove that vending machines and the snacks within have anything to do with blunts and bongs. It just makes no sense; why would a weird leaf have anything to do with delicious snacks?

    UL Lafayette is asking every department on campus to investigate the issue. With luck, all illegal substances will be eliminated from our school for the first time in recorded history. We’ll finally have a safe, yet kinda boring campus. 

    One theory, raised by botany professors in Billeaud Hall, suggests that students are using the vending machines themselves to “light up.” After partnering with engineering students to recreate and test their theory, they gave a statement to The Vermilion that was, in a word, hazy. 

    “Pour some water in at the bottom, like where you get your snacks. Get your lighter ready and inhale through the coin slot, dude. Do not ask how we know this,” the anonymous professor said. 

    The professor said it’s possible that students partaking in this activity would purchase a few snacks after “puffing the magic dragon.” This could be why vending machine usage has increased so significantly this semester. He also reiterated several times that his findings were purely theoretical, and that the redness in his eyes was irrelevant. 

 Another theory, as stated by Accounting 101 Professor Meredith J. Anne, was more critical of students who smoke marijuana. Anne is the chair of an all-white, independent board of professors who are committed to eliminating drugs from campus.

“If you’re spending all your money on weed, you’ll have none left to buy actual food. I mean just think about food stamps,” Anne said. 

And when you’re high, you’re too lazy to be a productive member of society, let alone walk all the way to the dining hall. This creates the perfect storm for those vending machine vermin walking the halls of our campus.”

Shortly after the formation of this board of professors, students gathered at Baker Hall in protest. Why they decided to gather there, no one can really be certain. However amidst the chaos, students attending formed a new organization called S.S.S.S. (the Society of Student Sativa Smokers.) 

Now, the Society is organizing various events across campus to raise awareness about the positive effects of marijuana. Despite the fact that UL Lafayette Police dispatched every drug dog in a one-mile radius to their first meeting, they could find no evidence of actual marijuana. Officers did note, however, the strong smell of Lysol and Febreeze.

Spokesperson for S.S.S.S. Angie S. List gave a statement to The Vermilion in response to the 500% increase in vending machine purchases. 

“Listen, all I’m saying is that the university can thank us for the free cash. Leave us alone, and there will be more where that came from. Just let me cough up my lungs and eat my Bugles, honey buns and Oreos in peace,” List said.