SATIRE-Following the Sith-Tatooine War, glass prices in America have begun to soar and, in some states, reached highs of $5.79 per square inch.
The average American smashes their own windows out of sheer frustration at the world around them roughly two times a week, with some even reporting breaking their windows every day.
“The world is just so rough, man,” said sophomore Mary Windell. “I just get so mad every day I have to go into work, deal with other human beings and get paid $7.25. I’ll usually just smash my windows with the textbooks I’m forced to buy. I used to throw chairs through them, but those are really expensive too. I’ll definitely have to start skipping lunches to afford these new window prices.”
President Joe Biden recently spoke at a press conference to try to assuage fears of the skyrocketing glass prices by directing aggression towards the current Sith Lord.
“Ever since Darth Vader began his campaign of conquest in a galaxy at least 2.5 million light years away, prices here at home have gone up. I’m going to do everything I can, God willing, to minimize the price hike caused by Vader,” Biden said. “As long as it doesn’t involve glass companies making less money.”
An official spokesperson answered a question after Biden’s speech regarding how exactly this conflict affects prices.
“Is it happening somewhere far, far away? Yes. Do we only get around .002% of our glass from the Sith? Also yes. Do we still have probably the same amount of glass as always? Yes, very true. However, this is a great opportunity for glass companies to jack prices up and make more money, and we need to support our local international conglomerate businesses.”
John “please do not refer to me as a glass baron” Paperman, a local glass baron, spoke on how the war over the sea of stars has affected his business.
“You know, to be honest with you, I didn’t even know there was any kind of war going on. I got a letter from my secretary that said everyone else was raising their prices, so I did too, and I woke up the next morning with a couple of extra digits in my bank account. Crazy. Why, yes, I do believe I was chosen by God himself to amass great riches.”
Dylan Parker, a graduate student in business, shared his analysis on the situation.
“If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my business major, and there is only one thing, it’s that profit equals revenue minus expenses. And like, yeah, I think that profit is important. So I’m glad glass companies are getting to make more. I’m actually hoping prices will be even higher by the time I graduate so I can pay back all these loans.”
Congress is currently in session debating how to help glass companies in these trying times.
“We need to lower their taxes,” said one Republican senator, who refused to elaborate.
“The American people are going through a rough time right now. These price hikes are disproportionately affecting our minority communities, they’re really feeling the sting more than the rest of us,” one Democratic senator said. “And the only way to help is by lowering corporate taxes. Trust me.”
Biden spoke again on the issue yesterday, this time emphasizing the actions being taken against the Sith.
“We’ve, you know, spoken with our corporate overlords. And we’re really giving it to the Sith now, they’ll be suffering economically for as long as this conflict continues. Vader is currently banned from Twitter, and the average citizen living under Sith rule no longer has access to methods they once used to pay for basic services, so we’re hopeful that this will all end very soon. What’s that? No, no I don’t think people should be concerned about how much power companies have over them.”