SATIRE– A bill to end the centuries-long tradition of congressmen throwing someone out of a window twice a year, titled the De-defenestration Act, is currently stuck stagnating in the House of Representatives.
Since the establishment of America’s legislative branch, every year in the spring and fall, a member of Congress is chosen to take someone off the streets and throw them out of a window, typically one at least three stories high.
The practice tends to draw great controversy around Window Throwing Time, though it’s soon forgotten the week after.
“I really don’t understand why they do it. They dragged me kicking and screaming up the steps of the capitol, and when I asked why they were doing this, they said it was for the farmers or something,” said William McCorny, who was thrown out of a window by congressmen twice. “My injuries weren’t covered by my health insurance either. And when the hospital found out I couldn’t pay, they threw me out of a window too.”
After unanimously passing in the Senate, debate has been raging in the House over whether to pass the De-defenestration Act, with people on both sides of the aisle going back and forth.
“This barbery has been going on for too long. Why did we start throwing people out of windows in the first place? And with how high glass prices are, it costs far too much to keep replacing these windows. This is unsustainable,” said Representative Madison Weatherton.
Others have challenged these and similar claims.
“We really need to take the time to think about this,” said Representative Jason McKellen. “Ours is a rich tradition started by our all-knowing, all-powerful Founding Fathers. If we can’t throw people out of windows, what are we going to throw them out of? No, I’m not being paid by Watto’s Windows.”
“It’s a tough decision to make. I’m going to need to check with my staff for some empirical evidence. This is one we really need to crunch the numbers on,” said Representative Andy Blue.
“Think of the economy,” said Representative Joe Smith, who did not elaborate.
During the congressional hearings in the House over the De-defenestration Act, one congressman took a stand against the bill by throwing himself out of a window.
“I’m throwing myself out of a window to show just how important this is to me,” said Representative Richard Nates. “I’m definitely not doing it because I’m about to be caught in a horrible corruption scandal and I need to do something dramatic to divert attention from it.”
Several American businesses have also weighed in. Their opinions don’t really have anything to do with this and shouldn’t be covered, but they’re paying me to do so.
“It’s sad. It’s sad that America seems to have forgotten its roots. This country was founded on the practice of throwing people out of windows, and we need to keep this sacred practice alive,” said a company representative for Watto’s Windows. “We’re starting a new fund, the Re-defenestration Fund, in protest of the bill being passed. For the rest of the year, if you or a loved one throw someone out of a window, give us a call and we’ll replace that window at full price. Not a dollar more, guaranteed.”
“We stand with whatever the American people think is best. We know they know best, and we stand with that,” said a representative for Pepsi as he tried to subtly turn a Pepsi can to show the logo to the camera. “Can you stop moving the camera? Please, I’m trying to — would you quit it? Why do you keep moving it? This is very unprofessional of you.”