SATIRE-The University of Louisiana at Lafayette has decided to remove the campus’ most important building, the BeauSoleil solar home located near Fletcher Hall, which served as not only an example of sustainable, solar-powered housing, but also as a gateway to the afterlife and a means to placate the ghosts of students that haunt the outskirts of Fletcher.
Many of the art majors that live in Fletcher against their will have since complained about the freak, supernatural occurrences in the area following the removal of the solar home.
“I was in the animation studio and I heard someone just banging on the door. I thought I heard a cry that sounded like ‘Please let me in I need to redo like 30 frames before tomorrow please I beg of you,” said Jason Arto, a junior majoring in animation. “But when I opened the door, there was no one there.”
“Yeah, I mean, I thought that house was kinda ugly because it was just sorta rotting there,” said Christina Christie, a senior majoring in architecture. “Now that the ghosts it kept trapped beneath its surface have started to emerge, I kinda miss it. The other day I saw a spectral form staring judgingly at my work.”
The College of Supernatural Defenses, located on the secret negative fifth floor of Griffin, has sent its best students to investigate and attempt to deal with the matter. They’ve been conducting top-secret excursions to the site of the former solar home to try to commune with the spirits that lurk in the area.
“It’s all very dangerous stuff. Just one wrong move and you could lose yourself, just as these former students lost themselves,” shared Daniel Fanman, dean of the College of Supernatural Defences. ”They want you to suffer with them, just as they suffered in life. We lost one of our own just yesterday, he’s been trapped in a sort of phantasmic purgatory where he has to draw the same chair for all eternity. Only a select group of expert students are joining us for these trips. No, you can’t come. Are you—are you trying to bribe me? No, I’m not going to… oh, ohhh… okay, I guess you can tag along.”
Following a series of perfectly legal negotiations, this Vermilion reporter tagged along on one of the college’s seance attempts. Students from the college lit a Fleur-de-lis of candles where the solar home once stood, and burned a straw effigy of Cayenne the Pepper as an offering to the spirits.
One such spirit, who asked to remain anonymous, took up the offer and sat (floated ominously) with us to discuss their issues.
“Yeah, I’ve been here ever since the workload in Fletcher literally killed me. I honestly didn’t mind it that much. It was a really nice home, in the beginning, I had basically everything I needed while leaving a minimal carbon footprint, which is just so important to me,” the spirit said. “But over time, things stopped working. Water, power, they even took away my stairs for some reason. I’d been sending my complaints to the Housing Office, but nobody ever came down. Actually, when I first saw the construction crew come in, I was excited that they might fix my pipes. Then they just destroyed everything.”
When asked about the possibility of peace, the spirit shrugged.
“I don’t know. I think we’re lost souls, forever tethered to this plane by our failure to get our degrees. And now that we’ve lost our home, we’re vengeful. We will never be calm, and students will just have to get used to that. This is just gonna be the new normal.”
The university is urging students to take proper precautions when near Fletcher.
“Please do not try to confront any transparent people you see. Do not enter rooms that you are pretty sure did not exist before. Refrain from wearing red in the area, as showing your Ragin’ Cajun spirit is likely to summon a Ragin’ Cajun spirit,” reads an email sent by the university.
A pop-up clinic has since opened up on campus, offering $100 to any students that come in to throw salt over their shoulders.