SATIRE — In a shocking loss for the Louisiana Ragin’ Cajuns Scrabble team, the Xqquujx University Internet Celebrities (shortened to Incels) came from behind to win their 12 Scrabble match in a row by a score of 450–448 in what was described by many as “the most competitive Scrabble match ever held in a Wendy’s.”

The match was between two of the most masterful people in the Scrabble universe, Louisiana’s sophomore stud Mike Rushingdee-Pression and the Incels’ Butma “Red” Ditkarma. The opening move by Rushingdee-Pression was “France.” When Ditkarma challenged France, they surrendered.

According to the President of France, the gold robot from Daft Punk, the reason for surrendering was because the French military was not “harder, better, faster, or stronger” than the Incels. A shouting match ensued due to the challenge by Ditkarma. The Wendy’s employee that was officiating the match promptly left due to not being paid enough.

Once the game resumed, the competition was fierce. When Ditkarma played the word “night”, Rushingdee-Pression played the word “oil”. The U.S. Army invaded the Scrabble board in response. Once they realized there was no oil on the board, the army instead went to look for something that was actually real: WMDs in Iraq. 

The following 45 minutes were filled with frustration, rage, strategy and a general lack of care for OSHA safety regulations. Three toddlers, blatantly ignoring their own safety, swallowed a few of the Scrabble tiles on Ditkarma’s rack. Ditkarma was at a loss for words.

The Cajuns held a 55-point lead with few tiles remaining in the bag when Rushingdee-Pression played off of the Ditkarma’s word “sit” with “inquisitor”. On cue, three men in religious wear appeared unexpectedly. One man yelled out, “Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!” 

But Ditkarma was indeed expecting the inquisition. Ditkarma played off of “inquisitor” with “toenail”, promptly scoring 57 points with board space running low. Sensing the impending doom, Rushingdee-Pression took the table on which they were playing and flipped it, slapping Ditkarma with the board, which constituted an automatic disqualification and ejection from the Wendy’s.

Ditkarma immediately flipped the table back to its original position, with ten tiles still miraculously in place. When Ditkarma rotated the Scrabble board to face her, the words read “touch” and “grass.” Ditkarma took the table on which they were playing and flipped it, which constituted an automatic disqualification and ejection from the Wendy’s for life.

In post-match interviews, the Scrabble Bros. Conference liaison promptly said, “What happened between the Cajuns and the Incels was fun as hell, I’m not even gonna lie to you chief. We aren’t gonna punish them, because we don’t care.”

Promptly putting on his mink coat, dark sunglasses and gold chains before driving off in a purple Rolls-Royce convertible with 20-inch gold rims, the liaison was soon stopped by a bald man with a barcode on the back of his head.

Next week, the Cajuns Scrabble team will take on their mental demons and the voices in their heads in their monthly matchup with their psychologists. Rushingdee-Pression is still winless in his career, this most recent loss dropping him to zero wins and as many losses in Scrabble as the amount of people who voted to impeach Bill Clinton. That means there were at least 280 losses.

As for the Incels, they get off next week in order to catch up on all of the Belle Delphine Twitter posts that they have missed out on. Ditkarma is immune to this, and will instead spend her off week asking passersby in the street about what “really” happened to Ashli Babbett. Due to this, their athletic budget is now wasted on their lone sponsor, MyPillow. 

If you would like to know more about the Cajuns Scrabble team, please reach out to our sponsor, Warren G. Harding. We haven’t heard from him in 100 years, but maybe you will have more success.