SATIRE — Greetings readers, friends and adoring fans of the Allons section. I come to you today with a very important message from your favorite writers.
We come to you with intense humility and hope that you read this with an open mind. We are simply tired and fed up with the ridiculousness that has come about, and we are here to put an end to it.
It is only after careful consideration that we have made this decision. We understand that this news is disappointing, heartbreaking, devastating and earth shattering. We need you, beloved reader, to understand that this is not your fault.
We, the writers of the Allons section, have come together in protest against the tyrannical editors and leaders of The Vermilion newspaper. They have caused us unimaginable stress and have stifled our creative freedom. We have finally had enough and have decided to take a stand.
Until our demands have been met, this will be the last time you will see any Allons articles from us. If our leaders choose to replace us, then so be it.
We know, they know and the readers know that it simply will not be the same. Imitation may be the greatest form of flattery, but no one can be as great as us.
While we know that many of you may fall into a depressive state without the entertainment of your favorite section, we do believe that risk is worth taking, and we hope you will be patient and understanding.
Trust that we will be back better than ever. We know that this newspaper can not and will not survive without us. As we get into the demands, think of this as Martin Luther’s 95 theses, only better and obviously much, much more important.
First, because the paper is nothing without Allons, it should be named in a way that reflects that importance. Away with the days of the “news” paper; today is the day of the “Allons sheets!” News is much too boring and depressing to be on the front page, much less be the name sake of the paper.
Honestly, we don’t have too many opinions on the sports section. Most of us weren’t athletic in high school, and it is just a constant reminder of getting picked last for dodgeball.
To combat these depressing sections, we demand that the news section be cut entirely. Allons will be the main section, and while the creative corner and the crossword may be permitted to stay, they are on very, very thin ice.
The sports section may beg for mercy, but we are at this time undecided on their status. Their chances of survival will be higher if they let us beat them at dodgeball. Maybe. But again, we are undecided.
Next, to ensure that the Allons section remains the best and most creative, we demand that we are allowed to turn in all Allons articles when they are done, rather than by a deadline.
The paper is nothing without Allons. We shouldn’t have to rush our creative process and, in turn, sacrifice perfection.
How is it our fault that sometimes that process takes more than the week we are given? If production has to wait, then so be it.
In addition to this, we demand that AP is given up entirely. It is a horrible system, and it is ridiculous that we must give up our creativity in the name of, what, grammar?
How are we supposed to focus on our creative flow when we are nagged by AP. What if we want to use MLA? We should be given a choice.
Lastly, we should be paid the most out of everyone that works in Student Publications. Allons is by far the hardest, most time consuming section to write for.
We must come up with our ideas on our own, do our own research and put in ideas for our graphics. As you can tell, it is a lot of brain power that is required to be an Allons writer, and we should be compensated properly.
We hope that now you can see why we have had to make this incredibly hard decision, and how we, the perfect, amazing, spectacular, superior, awesome and incredibly humble, Allons section have been mistreated.
Hopefully, if our leaders give in to our demands, you will see us next week. Until then, we wish you the best.
Love, the Allons section.