Why have the Sodexo employees vanished?

SATIRE — You may have heard and seen that the Sodexo workers have disappeared. And it is true, they had to leave for their home planet. They come from the planet Sodexa, located 6,400 light-years away in the Perseus Arm section of the Milky Way galaxy.

They were sent to Earth on a mission to feed unhealthy college students. In partnership with the University of Louisiana at Lafayette and the CIA (because they are always involved in the extraterrestrial business), the people of Sodexa sent their best cooks to Earth. Culinary schools exist on their planet and are dedicated to their Earth partnership, where they have to outcook (or cook) their classmates in order to advance to the next level. 

Their mission came to a close this past spring semester as the “Sodexa x Earth” contract only lasted 300 years. The contract was supposed to be extended but the Sodexo workers decided that living through colonial times, the American Civil War, World War I, World War II, The Cold War and COVID-19 was enough for them. 

As a result of this termination, all campus food services are left without cooks and workers to run them. Students have been told by the UL Communication and Committee Board of Area 71 Extraterrestrial Students and Sodexo Workers (U.C.C.B.A.71.E.S.S.W.), that they are now responsible for feeding themselves. U.C.C.B.A.71.E.S.S.W. has not given an official statement on whether or not Sodexa will send in replacements. 

The President of UL Lafayette Fromth Ewindow and Vice President Tothe Woll, have issued statements saying, “Students just have to suck it up. We are Ragin Cajuns and we can season our own food.” UL Lafayette students have taken it upon themselves to learn how to cook and feed their fellow students. 

With a large portion of students quitting school to feed the UL Lafayette student population, UL Lafayette decided to give the working students a new degree path. Culinary and Customer Service is now a major offered at UL Lafayette with a minor in the Sodexa language. The minor is awarded because UL Lafayette students have to learn the language Sodexa in order to understand recipes left behind by the Sodexans. 

As we continue on past this tragedy, we as UL Lafayette students have to work with what we have. We used to be ignorant and take Sodexo workers for granted, now we must face our consequences. I think we should all appreciate our food and be mindful of who is cooking our food and appreciate them. 

I also think that the Sodexo workers left Earth because we are simply bad humans. They came to Earth for 300 years, and those years happened to be the worst in human history. The Sodexans were promised a high pay and free healthcare, because Sodexa has a stable government who gives their workers good benefits. But once they landed on Earth, they landed in the year 1723, and healthcare in America did not exist until 1929. 

I hope the Sodexans can still use their benefits in their thriving government. I know for sure they did not enjoy their stay here on Earth. But, I think they will soon forget their 300-year vacation because they have a lifespan of 20,000 years. We will soon be reduced to memories or figments of their imagination. 

I know they have been sending paper airplanes with messages to UL’s campus. Some messages state, “The real meaning of life is……” Before students could finish reading the message, the CIA had an agent snatch the paper and dive into the on-campus swamp. That agent never resurfaced, I believe he turned into a turtle. If the Sodexans read this, please come back. I promise the next 300 years will be better than the last. But you know, whatever. ooxxooXoXXx.