SATIRE — Earlier this week, the Louisiana Ragin’ Cajuns athletics department called an emergency meeting to make a timely, critical decision — given the recent success of its basketball programs, was it time to bring back what had for years been their defining feature?

For those that don’t remember, in the midst of the Cajuns’ 2016 athletic renovations, a very distinct design was inlaid into the hardwood at the Cajundome. It featured a “very bright” and “busy” bayou pattern that took up most of the floor.

Just a year later, the men’s team had its winningest season of all time and solidified the court as a sure-fire good luck charm. It remained a staple of Louisiana’s games until 2019, when the department decided to go with a “cleaner,” “more classic” design.

UL Lafayette’s King of the Basketball Court Dr. Peter Peterson said of the upcoming change, “It was high time we got back to what made previous home seasons so successful: an ugly-as-sin court contributing to a subpar viewing experience. Wait, we just went undefeated at home? Okay then cut that, yeah cut that last bit.”

As this is meant to be a court of the future, this new design won’t be a 1:1 remake of the old Bayou court. A few key changes will make sure that Cajuns’ games are more eye-straining and unwatchable than ever before.

The university’s Emperor of the Basketball Court David Davis explained, “So to make the floor look super futuristic and social media-friendly, we’ll have our amazing contracted electricians mold RGB lights into the swamp pattern and inlay that into the floor. Here, take a look! Maximum brightness please, people!”

Given the damage inflicted to my eyes that day, it’s a miracle I’m finishing this story, but for you, reader, I’ll manage.

To play into the Bayou theme of the court, new climate controls will also be added to the perimeter of the floor. “We’ll be sure to keep the atmosphere in the Dome a crisp 89 degrees Fahrenheit with 97% humidity for accuracy’s sake,” Peterson added.

Seating at all levels in the Cajundome will be changed from fold-down seats to reclaimed oak logs, and one of those funny little produce misting systems from your favorite supermarket will be installed in the rafters.

Concessions will be changed to carry the “real cuisine of the Bayou.” Davis elaborated, “I know, everyone’s upset we’ll be removing the Raising Cane’s stand.”

“But we’ll be adding a vendor for some of the least edible boudin, cracklins, and jambalaya you’ve ever laid eyes on,” Davis continued. “Go Cajuns! Wait, make sure you spell that last part G-E-A-U-X. Makes me seem more ‘with it’, you know.”

The home uniforms will also be revamped to match the theme. Fragments of live oak bark, painted white, will be individually hand-stitched into the player’s jerseys and shorts. “This stuff feels just awful,” star forward Timmy Taylor said. “But it’s sure gonna feel worse for anyone who tries to get in my way!”

For the final touch, a chunk of the university’s Cypress Lake will be airlifted to the Cajundome and be rearranged to fit the main entrance for games. Alligators will serve as ticket sales representatives, and turtles will run security.

Allan, everyone’s favorite Cypress Lake gator, led the way for this unprecedented labor change. “I can’t wait to get started on my new job!” he added. “It should be no problem for me and my pals to run the ticket booths, considering there are still only two scanner spots after all this time.”