SATIRE — On Feb. 31, President Ooga Booga announced that KOK Wings & Things will be making its debut on the University of Louisiana at Lafayette’s campus. This comes after a group of radical students spray painted his entire home with the words, “WE WANT KOK!” and “GIVE US BETTER FOOD!”
KOK is a popular eatery near campus that students frequently dine at. Though they are mostly known for their incredibly flavorful and fresh wings, they also have other menu items, including fish sliders, seafood baskets and other enjoyable meals.
President Booga issued a statement on Teletubbie News the following morning.
“Though I am extremely disappointed in the students that vandalized my home, this experience has taught me that I’m failing as president of the university. My students should not have had to approach me in this way. I need to do better by them, and I figure this is the best way to do that,” Booga said in his statement.
Booga continued to explain that he spoke to the owner of KOK, Garfield Paddington, and they came to an agreement. “Paddington and I decided that we would provide KOK to the student body, but on a small scale, since their main building is near campus already. KOK will be sold in one of the university’s most notable buildings, H.L. Griffin Hall.”
KOK will begin being available on April 12. Food will be sold on every floor of Griffin Hall. However, there’s a small catch. Due to the state of the economy and the mass genocide of domesticated chickens, chicken items on the menu will only be sold on the fifth floor of Griffin. President Booga says that this placement will “promote exercise and class attendance, especially for those who tend to avoid their fifth floor classes regularly.”
“I have secret cameras installed throughout Griffin and I can certainly guarantee that students skip their classes regularly if they’re on the higher floors. At first, I was going to institute a policy that stated missing two or more of your classes in Griffin resulted in expulsion, however, I do not want my house vandalized again. So, I concluded this was a better alternative that would also make me more money,” Booga said .
It is safe to say that the student body will be pleased to know that one of their favorite spots is integrating itself with the campus. However, it is uncertain how they’ll react to the fact that chicken will only be available on the most inaccessible floor in Griffin.
When asked about how he thought students may feel, President Booga responded, “Those little children should be grateful I haven’t completely bankrupted them, especially after the select few of them messed up my house. It would do them well to remember that I run this show, not them. They fill my pockets, not the other way around.”
Teletubbie News later came on campus disguised as students to interview members of the student body to get their opinion on KOK and the president’s words on the issue. Sady Hawkins, a freshman majoring in dance, responded, “I am excited that one of my favorite places to eat is coming to campus, however, President Booga is a horrible person. He’s so greedy that it makes me sick. I hope his house gets vandalized again.”
Kapitol Mourder, a senior majoring in criminal justice, said, “I believe that this is a meager attempt at the president trying to brainwash the student body. He clearly doesn’t care about us or our health. He just wants to make his pockets fat, and he’s willing to sacrifice us to do it.”
As previously mentioned, KOK will begin being sold in H.L. Griffin Hall on April 12. Students will only be able to purchase the food with their own money. No meal swipes, declining balance, Cajun Cash, or profuse begging will be accepted.