SATIRE — The Ptomaine Experience is a five-star restaurant that is said to offer a high-quality dining and culinary experience. The restaurant is known for its unique menu and surprise visitors. Needless to say, the foodie in me just had to give it a try.

My salivary glands were working overtime. My mouth watered in anticipation. As I entered the restaurant, I was greeted by several dust bunnies and was seated by someone named Cucaracha and a few of his friends. To make sure that I never felt alone or unattended, he left a few flies to guard my table and sing in my ear. 

Now that I think about it, I guess it was kind of rude of me to continue to swat at them over and over again to leave me alone. Although I planned to spend a relaxing evening alone, a few mice decided to play chase back and forth underneath my table. An army of ants decided to hang around as well, marching up and down and back and forth across my table. 

A thick smell of frying grease, old mop water and stale cigarette smoke permeated the air. The decor was very minimal. The seating consisted of old wooden tables and chairs. The chair didn’t feel very sturdy underneath me, as one of the legs was very loose. I often caught the table to keep myself from falling sideways. 

The menu was quite lengthy and was splattered with the previous patrons’ condiments. I skimmed through the menu quickly because I was famished and ready to eat. For my appetizer, I decided to start with the “Hair In My Soup Surprise.” 

My entree of choice, the “Sweet N Spicy Saucy Salmonella Chicken,” rested on a bed of putrefied rice with a side of “Rolled On The Floor Straight To My Plate” dinner rolls. For dessert, I settled on having pureed watermelon. My drink for the evening was a tall glass of a not so sweet, sweet tea. 

My soup was a creamy potato and bacon soup. Just as I was ready to dive in, I noticed a long hair resting on my bacon. Needless to say, I skipped the taste test. Next up: my entree. The chicken was beautifully baked and had a golden brown color. My rice and dinner rolls were served steaming hot. Although the chicken was lukewarm and had a weird smell, the sweet and spicy sauce made this dish edible. On the other hand, the dinner rolls were inedible. The bread was overbaked, crumbly and tasted dry and stale. 

Since dessert is my favorite part of my meal, I was really looking forward to enjoying the pureed watermelon. Unfortunately, when it arrived, I was disappointed with its soupy consistency and flies swimming around in it. 

This dining experience left me feeling a little light-headed and weak. The feeling was immediately followed by an explosive bout of diarrhea, projectile vomiting and crippling stomach cramps. I had faced a near death experience after having visited the Ptomaine Experience. 

The food was reasonably priced, aside from the 30% gratuity. The location was awful, as you have to nearly get in a wreck to get there. The parking was horrible. One plus about this restaurant is that the service is fast.  

I can say without a shadow of doubt that I will never return, I and give this restaurant a big thumbs down. Thankfully, this was only an April Fools food review and the “Ptomaine Experience” doesn’t exist.