SATIRE — In a shocking turn of events, University of Louisiana at Lafayette students have recently discovered that those who hold true control over the college are not who they originally thought.
While most would assume that UL Lafayette’s staff makes all of the decisions on how the school is run, there is actually a secret group pulling the strings behind the scenes. A deceptively friendly and furry group is calling all of the shots and making the big decisions out of sight of the general public.
While interviews were difficult due to the language barrier, a few quotes were able to be obtained using an Etch-A-Sketch as a form of communication. Although commonly known by students as the “Campus Cats,” this group prefers to be called by a different name.
“Campus Cats sounds far too unprofessional. We prefer to be called the Council for Academic Tactics and Schooling. Sounds far more official and respectable than just calling us cats,” stated Head Chairman of the C.A.T.S. Thadeus “Whiskers” Gatto. “We already get treated like animals as is. The last thing we need is some kind of simple name that detracts from the importance of what we are doing here.”
Mr. Gatto is hard at work every day ensuring that the University of Lafayette stays running as smoothly as possible. According to Mr. Gatto, the college would not be what it is today without the efforts of the C.A.T.S. and its passionate and devoted members.
“The place would absolutely be in shambles if we were not running it. Do you really think people could keep up with all of the responsibilities of running an academic institute? No sir, never send a human to do a feline’s job,” Mr. Gatto explained. “We simply use the humans as a front to make the university more appealing to the general masses.”
Surprisingly, UL Lafayette is not the only college running under the leadership of the C.A.T.S. As it turns out, the C.A.T.S. is something of a global organization, secretly operating universities all over the world.
“Oh yes, the Council for Academic Tactics and Schooling is the most prestigious organization. Of course, we would be involved in just about any successful academy that you can think of,” Mr. Gatto elaborated. “We select members of the council to oversee specific areas. Most states have one council member supervising every university within.”
Though Mr. Gatto would not give a concrete answer for how many members the C.A.T.S. has exactly, he did communicate that the organization houses an extremely large number of constituents. The council has a wide variety of talented cats as well, including its financial division where accountants tally and allocate resources to specific colleges.
When asked about concerns that people may have about a large secret organization running the entire world’s higher education system, Mr. Gatto guaranteed that the C.A.T.S. has everything completely under control. “Rest assured that your education is truly in the best paws. There is no group more competent and scholarly than the Council for Academic Tactics and Schooling.”
The C.A.T.S. has been a hidden organization for a while, but Mr. Gatto feels it is about time for the world to know and recognize the hard-working cats who have been behind the scenes up until now. He has reached out to The Vermilion as a sort of small experiment on how people may react to the stunning information he has presented. If public perception is positive, the C.A.T.S. is planning to step into the limelight to present its educational ideas to a few major world leaders.
Unfortunately, Mr. Gatto was unable to answer more questions due to a veterinarian appointment, but he plans to be in contact with The Vermilion again soon. Mr. Gatto also encourages students to speak to him if they see him around campus. He has also specified that he prefers scratches under the chin and behind the ears.