SATIRE — At the start of the Spring 2023 semester, the University of Louisiana at Lafayette forced many of its students into taking 8 a.m. classes.
Student advisor Watshis Phace said, “Students tend to stay away from morning classes, so we decided to bring it up in a meeting with UL’s President and Vice President. Leading us to force some students into taking an 8 a.m. class. We plan on turning this into a requirement when scheduling in the future.”
President Fromth Ewindow and Vice President Tothe Woll liked the idea so much that they are making this a requirement for the 2023 Summer and Winter semesters. Students who have not scheduled any 8 a.m. or 9 a.m. classes for their next semester will be obligated to do so the following semester.
“It is a way of helping students learn how to manage time,” President Fromth Ewindow. “We noticed that some students started showing signs of zombification due to their schedules. We are trying our best to work with them, so we can know what to do for the following semesters.”
Zombification is said to be caused by heavy responsibilities, feeling too overwhelmed, feeling as if you do not have control over your life and chronic stress. As of now, there are about 1,990.5 students who have shown systems.
Dr. Hellsent Forealiston, a culinary and customer service professor, said, “Many of my students have stopped talking. I look at them and think, ‘There is not one single thought behind those eyes’. It is as if I was talking to a wall who just stares back and drools.”
These students started showing symptoms such as changes in their sleep schedule and appetite, headaches, stomachaches, fatigue, feeling no motivation, helplessness, detachment and cynicism. Some other signs of zombification can be confusion, poor coordination and changes in behavior.
Vice president Woll believes that with time, students will get used to slowly turning into zombies.
Vice president Woll said, “As Ragin Cajuns’ they are strong enough to take it; all they have to do is overcome it. I believe that with time they will be able to function fully, even as zombies. It isn’t that big of a deal to be a zombie, I mean, we are in 2023, get with the program. I say all of this with so much love and care.”
With more and more students showing symptoms, UL Lafayette is trying to find ways to quarantine the students affected. It has gotten so bad that a student bit his professor mid-lecture when asked, “Can you give me the answer to question number five?”
The student Jacob Cullen, a super senior majoring in Lean Cuisine, said, “I no sleep, I no eat. Professor too loud, professor I bite.”
The university’s Health Department stopped treating these students due to the fact that they smell like green eggs and ham. They plan on quarantining them in the president’s basement and, if needed, the vice president’s attic.
This epidemic is said to be very “coquette and def giving ‘The Walking Dead’ Season 1” according to a UL Lafayette student.
Mikie Dees, head of UL’s Health Department, stated, “We have done what we can, I mean, what else can we do? Cure them? We hope for the best. On the bright side, if they can not graduate, I am sure ‘The Last of Us’ or ‘The Walking Dead’ will hire them.”
According to President Ewindow, 230 students have already been hired to play roles in these shows.
Ewindow stated, “UL Lafayette will be moving forward from this epidemic with an open mind and open arms, we will not discriminate.”