SATIRE —The University of Louisiana at Lafayette cafeteria is sad to report that their doors will soon be closing. But it will not be closing down forever and will soon be up and running once again. Instead, it has been reported, that the well known and respected campus squirrels will be taking it over. 

The campus squirrels have long been found foraging through whatever trash they can find. But gum wrappers, Viva la Waffle leftovers and empty chip bags are no longer satiating their needs. They seem to be craving more food and, beyond that, some compensation for their entertainment services.

Everyday the students of UL Lafayette look to the campus squirrels as an immense source of enjoyment. They are the subject of their Snapchat videos, provide a laugh for them between classes and even have an Instagram page. But the squirrels do not seem to get much in return. Instead, they are left to scrounge through the students’ and faculties’ trash and hope for the best. 

Angry about their lack of resources, the squirrels around campus have found entry into the UL Lafayette cafeteria. Their plan was to steal all the food and ingredients they could find. Afterwards, they would take their haul back to their homes and feast upon their findings. 

They managed to get in through the overhead vents and completely overwhelm the UL Lafayette cafeteria workers with their unquantifiable numbers. Priding themselves on their nonviolent tactics, they did manage this take over with little to no reported injuries. 

Reportedly, one security guard did trip over one of the squirrels and sustained injuries doing so. The squirrels, however, have refused and will not take any responsibility for this. 

Once all the cafeteria workers evacuated the premises, yielding to the squirrels with little argument, the squirrels began to evaluate their food supply. They filled up their bags with as many supplies and ingredients they could hold. Impressed by how much food and ingredients were still left in the cafeteria, they seem to have decided it is only right to share with the students, professors and all the other clientele the cafeteria serves daily. 

So they took off their burglar ski masks, exchanged them for aprons and got to work cooking. They have revealed very little about what they will be serving to the UL Lafayette community, but promise it will be appetizing. 

The squirrels have even taken the liberty of redecorating the cafeteria space, making it more nature themed. Inspired by the tree branches peering in through the ceiling due to the vents caving in on themselves, for unknown reasons, they decided to make the space more invested in nature. 

This new nature theme seems to be more centered around what campus UL Lafayette life is about and prioritizes the colorful world around us.

They painted the walls green, added some greenery and allowed some of the other campus animals in. All trash is also recycled. The squirrels hope that the Lafayette community will enjoy these changes and take them in with an open mind. 

While the food may be a bit different than normal, no doubt featuring more vegetarian options than usual, the squirrels do seem open to serving their Lafayette community eagerly. They only hope that, in exchange, their community appreciates their service. If not, it is rumored, they will continue in their pursuit to completely take over the cafeteria and steal all they can without sharing any of their findings. 

Although this is not a threat, they hope these promises will be taken seriously. The squirrels have not revealed when the new cafeteria will be opening up, but until then the food court is still up and running.