2024 Presidential Election: The Giant Death Robot vs. Kor’Sharath, Swallower of Worlds

SATIRE-APRIL FOOLS

With the 2024 Presidential Election on the horizon, and party nominations all-but-finalized, Americans are struggling to decide between the two frontrunning candidates, The Giant Death Robot and Kor’Sharath, Swallower of Worlds.

Since the beginning of its campaign, and during its time in the Senate, The Giant Death Robot has been among the most vocal supporters of the controversial “Kill ‘Em All” approach to foreign policy, stating the America should use its military power to wipe out all other life on Earth.

“We have $1.62 trillion dollars at the Department of Defense’s disposal. We have over 5,000 nuclear warheads. There is no reason there should be nearly 7.7 billion people on Earth not in America,” The Giant Death Robot said at a rally in New Mexico, its eyes a cold, piercing blue.

The Giant Death Robot has proposed sending money and arms to various war-torn countries to help them destroy each other, then coming in afterwards to clean up. It has pledged to use both military might and its own vast array of ballistic and cutting-edge laser weapons installed onto its body to claim overseas territory.

When asked what would be done with the newly-taken territory, The Giant Death Robot stated it would all be pushed together like a new Pangea and turned into a prison continent for America’s current and future prisoners, as well as any survivors of what The Giant Death Robot has deemed “The War to End All Wars But For Real This Time.”

Its other key policies are the decriminalization of drugs for government officials and those with a net worth of over $10 million, further research into self-replicating itself to create a new robot police force, addressing climate change by firing at the Sun with a giant ice cannon and working to protect women’s bodily autonomy.

When asked if it would codify into law a woman’s right to abortion, The Giant Death Robot promptly powered down.

Kor’Sharath, Swallower of Worlds, is an ancient dragon that recently emerged from deep beneath the cursed sands of Florida and has taken the political world by storm. Many supporters have praised Kor’Sharath’s strongman attitude and his vast pile of gold that he’s always seen sitting on.

Kor’Sharath has called for a return to isolationist policies, interfering in the affairs of other countries only when it would be incredibly easy to make a profit from it, and attaching rockets to the bottom of America to transform it into a floating island to discourage immigration.

Asked about what would be done with immigrants currently being processed by the U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services, Kor’Sharath said he would devour them to extend his lifespan and power.

A question was posed to Kor’Sharath about the issue of climate change, and his answer elicited cheers of approval from the crowd.

“I have seen countless suns burn out in my time. I have seen not only worlds, but vast systems of worlds, consumed by a pure and quiet darkness. It is from that void I was born, from that void that I took my sustenance, swallowing long-dead planets. This Earth will be no different when its time comes,” Kor’Sharath said.

Regarding America’s domestic problems and rising political tensions between the ruling class and oppressed groups, Kor’Sharath shared his “Forever Civil War” plan, in which all opposing groups would be provided with weapons by the government and encouraged to go to war with each other until the end of time.

“My campaign manager has advised me to add that it would also be a great boost to the economy,” Kor’Sharath said.

While the two candidates have not yet met for a formal debate, they’ve traded blows with each other on social media, with The Giant Death Robot referring to Kor’Sharath as “Sore Kor,” and Kor’Sharath responding by calling it “a metal monstrosity, a monument to the sins of mankind.”

It’s no wonder that over half of Americans are dissatisfied with their country’s long-reigning two-party system, but the leading third-party candidate seems unlikely to win, or have any effect at all on the course of the election.

Alexis Smith, an independent candidate, has also gained a small amount of traction online. Her platform lays out a comprehensive plan for implementing universal healthcare, reforming the prison system, ensuring all people are paid a living wage and bringing peace to the Middle-East. Recent polls suggest that Smith will take less than 2% of the vote come November.