SATIRE-APRIL FOOLS
Today I just watched the newly released FNAF movie in theaters, and I’m going to be honest it was horrible. I absolutely hate this movie! There were just so many cringey and just utterly unfunny scenes in this movie. It was so cliche that I can’t even begin to describe how cliche it is. Well actually I can, I’m just kidding. Telling a joke one might say.
I would never touch this movie with a ten foot pole. There are so many thing unbelievably not funny or spooky.
If I could rate this movie out of ten, I would give a negative infinity out of ten. It’s just that unbelievably bad. I never want to ever watch this movie ever again.
One of my least favorite scenes has got to be towards the beginning of the movie when Freddy was talking to Chica, Bonnie and Foxy and telling them that FNAF stands for Friends Never Abandon Friends.
The amount of pain I felt hearing this line was immense. I had to go get surgery to repair the immense damage done to my body following this line.
That is only the ice breaker compared to all the other horrible lines shown throughout the movie. Like there was this other scene where they were all preparing to fight against Springtrapped after the death of their Mike Schmidt. Freddy looks to everyone there and shouts, “Alright y’all, let’s spring this trap!” The amount of cringe I felt in this moment is indescribable. It was so cringey that I felt my soul temporarily leave my body. I think I saw God for a moment.
God told me it wasn’t my time yet and sent my soul back into my body to continue watching this horrible movie. It was nice up there in heaven.
It was extremely beautiful, but sadly God sent me back down onto Earth to continue suffering the pain of watching this movie. It felt like a personal attack on me if I’m going to be honest. Sadly because of this I had to suffer even more unbearably cringey scenes.
The worst moment in the entire movie has to be when Freddy came back from talking with Bonnie only to see Bonnie later claiming that he never talked to him. Freddy then proceeded to ask, “If you didn’t talk to me, then who was I talking to?” Followed by long silence as Springtrap menacingly appeared behind him wielding a knife.
Bonnie proceeded to make pointing motions towards the figure behind Freddy. Freddy stared at Bonnie for a couple of seconds and said “He’s right behind me isn’t he?”
No amount of therapy visits will ever help me emotionally recover from this experience. I have been crying in pain ever since I witnessed that scene. I’m even crying right now while typing this out.
I do not know who believed this was a good idea to put into the movie. They should fire whoever decided this was a good decision. Actually don’t fire them, that’s not enough. Force them to take 15 different Calculus classes with no break. That is still not enough though. On top of that give them a Popeye’s biscuit with nothing to drink. Only after that will I be happy.
I have to say though that there was one really good moment during this movie, and that has to be Matpat’s scene. It was such an amazing and smart idea to have Matpat play a detective.
The scene starts with police officers looking on at the burnt pizzeria, asking Matpat “Do you know what happened here?” for him to respond by saying “I have a theory.”
This scene was so good that it ended the crying from the previously mentioned scene, but only briefly. Actually retyping and recalling this scene made the tears change from those of sorrow to those of joy. That is how amazing and beautifully crafted this scene was.
Whoever made it should become the new director of the next FNAF movie. Actually put them in charge of every movie. No, that’s not enough. Elect this person as the new president of the United States of America. Just put him in charge of the whole world in all honesty.