SATIRE – APRIL FOOLS
It’s that time of the year. Basketball is at its peak in viewership, with March Madness going on and the NBA playoffs right around the corner.
Basketball fans are having the time of their lives with so much action going on but sadly, all that action comes at the end of the season where once it’s over, it’s over.
That’s when the Baby Basketball League (BBL) takes over to keep those passionate hoop-watchers alive and healthy.
With opening night scheduled for Apr. 2, there are a lot of highly-anticipated headlines and it’s my job to cover it as the only official BBL analyst. I’ll go over the top four biggest stories coming into the season.
The MVP race has the potential to be the closest it’s been since the 80s with the legendary Blake “Biggie” Biggums and Earl “Sleepy” Johnson.
LeBabyBottle James is already a four-time MVP and four-time BBL champion, but he shows no signs of slowing down. He is at least Top 10 in every all-time statistical category and is the all-time leader in points.
Heading into his 20th season, it simply is not normal for a baby with this many seasons under his bib to still be playing at such a high level. Last season, he averaged 25.7 points, 7.3 rebounds and 8.3 assists per game.
With the addition of superstar guard Pookie Jackson in the offseason, we suspect James to take more of a backseat. But with how great he is, we know James will always find a way to produce even if it isn’t in the scoring department.
James’s dominance over the last two decades is insurmountable, but the rise of Jason “Tater-Tot” Tottum is what makes this race so close. The reigning BBL champion led the Boston Leprechauns to glory averaging 27 points, 8.1 rebounds and 4.9 assists.
Tottum took major leaps in all aspects of his game, mainly in his decision-making. He’s taking smarter shots, making the right passes and not turning the ball over. A baby with his size and skillset and the drastic improvements he’s made makes him a perfect MVP candidate.
Outside of the MVP race, another young, polarizing figure is going for another award, and I don’t think it’s particularly close. Standing at a towering 3’1”, Jace Waffleton might be the most unique prospect in BBL history.
The 13-month-old Belgian is a jaw-dropping talent. He can dunk without jumping, shoot threes from the hash and handle the ball like an elite two-foot guard.
He’s had some behavior issues early on with many BBL scouts labeling him a “crybaby,” but I think teams are more than willing to look past that.
We’ve never seen anything like Waffleton before. Talking about him now, you wouldn’t believe me. If I were to show you his daycare highlights, you still wouldn’t believe me. He is simply a spectacle and the San Antonio Bootees have the opportunity to select him first overall. Another young talent whose return is highly anticipated is Don “Doc” McSniffles. The 17-month-old sharpshooter is heading into his third season with the Golden State Toy Soldiers, but his tenure may be running out.
The Toy Soldiers have been patient with McSniffles, constantly giving him the benefit of the doubt. We know how much of a scorching presence he can be from behind-the-arc but his red-hot attitude is what holds him back.
Last season, he accumulated a BBL record of 22 technical fouls which eventually led to the league suspending him for the remainder of the season.
Sometimes McSniffles’s lack of maturity gets the better of him. Some of his technical fouls are from throwing his pacifier at the referee on three separate occasions, constantly arguing with teammates and the coaching staff and making obscene gestures towards fans.
McSniffles broke the Illinois state record in three-pointers made when he was only nine months old, however, he hasn’t translated that talent to the big leagues yet. The Toy Soldiers can only hope that he begins to act his age.
As many fans know, McSniffles wasn’t the only person to be suspended in the 2024 season.
One of the biggest scandals in recent sports history occurred in the 2023 season, which led to the suspension of the entire Minnesota Puppies franchise in 2024.
The Puppies were accused of including performance-enhancing drugs in the milk that the players drank on the sidelines.Under further investigation, the league found out that the drugged milk recipe was used for the entire 2023 season. This led to a lot of confusion not just because of the milk, but also the fact that the Puppies finished with the worst record in the league that year. Many people questioned if the milk actually helped or not.
Nonetheless, the franchise was suspended from all basketball operations in 2024 and is set to make its return in April. Since the incident, the BBL has sent out authorized sippy cups and milk recipes to all 30 teams and will continue to monitor the sidelines closely.
There’s a lot to look forward to this upcoming season, as I’ve only scratched the surface on the action and drama. The BBL season opener is scheduled for Wednesday, Apr. 2 with a six-game slate starting at 2 p.m.