I’ve had a vision. A premonition, if you will. While doomscrolling the dark alleys of Reddit on a Friday night, I was suddenly blinded by a blinding light. The things I saw were terribly unfortunate for the vast majority of mankind. Nevertheless, it was somehow remarkably better than watching “Monty Python and the Holy Grail” and sulking over my love life, the typical content of my visions.
I saw the brutality of every major global conflict being started by a man’s poor judgment and ego. I was horrified by charts without credible sources on X, formerly Twitter, that men commit more crimes. Moreover, women relented in Facebook Messenger chats that men have excluded them from power for millennia.
The blinding light, which occasionally appeared to me as a golden haze, pulled a Sharpie marker from its inventory. It pointed out that heterosexual men specifically were the problem, while everyone else causes problems to a lesser degree.
The Blinding Light stressed that straight men would cause nuclear armageddon. Honestly, as much as I tried to detest the stereotype, it’s statistically correct that the vast majority of world leaders and military personnel are straight guys. Thus, who am I to object to this entity, which, I presume, is superior to me?
The blinding light then asked me to refer to it as TBL for reasons I still don’t understand. Also, I thought it would be rude to ask whether it or they had a corporeal form with an assigned gender, so I’m not sure which pronouns to use, and I apologize for misgendering.
Little did I know, this was only the beginning. TBL showed that the fallout would be more treacherous than the video game series. Fiercely protecting what was left of their world, straight men eventually kill themselves off out of distrust of each other.
TBL implied that “men need to be taken care of.” Honestly, I didn’t want to investigate the exact parameters of that claim. I like to think the men who are left survive alone in the wilderness by foraging.
Nevertheless, humanity survives in the hands of platonic power couples: gay men and straight women. TBL prophesied a golden age of fashion. Girls and their gay best friends run beach resorts, law firms, coffee bistros, art institutes and governments.
Of course, the military will still exist to serve and protect, but I think the primary difference is that they mostly serve and slay for a side hustle. Milan Fashion Week has never been so heavily guarded.
However, fruit rots without tender care. In time, certain key industries will be neglected, making this society unsustainable and leading to the downfall of homosexual men. Thus, women are the sole proprietors of the world.
I was deeply satisfied that TBL had the musical taste to play Beyoncé’s “Run the World” music video three times, clearly signifying the premonition’s climax. Not long after that, straight women feel that something is missing in their lives. They retreat to beach resorts where they binge on “Grey’s Anatomy” and indulge in Rocky Road ice cream. After 100 years, none of them are left.
I cried.
I couldn’t discern between tragic beauty and beautiful tragedy. Alas, I was more enthralled by the novel idea of lesbians running everything. Opposed to a 12-hour “Lord of the Rings Extended Edition” marathon, an epilogue of lesbians debating whether to pursue authoritarianism or democracy is far better.
With the lesbians in charge, the world stabilizes; they seem to pull their act together. Science advances enough that new generations are born without interactions with straight men.
Meanwhile, all other identities, including but not limited to those identifying as asexual, bisexual, intersex, non-binary or pansexual, exist outside of the space-time continuum. Those we see as underrepresented groups today are simply omnipotent in this society. Their mysterious existence is unsolved, and they don’t strive for world domination.
Confused as I was distraught, I felt moved. TBL then came closer to me without saying a word and stepped out of the shadows as if to kill me. It faded its own golden haze to reveal nothing. All that was left before me was an Earth scourged by hate and rejuvenation.
I regained my sight as the vision dissipated. I sat in silence for hours, simultaneously terrified, startled and enlightened. I felt a deep loneliness. Perchance, the true story was never nuclear war, but admiring the cinematic prophecies we receive along the way.
I’ve now come to inform you all on this April Fool’s Day. Take care, everyone, especially the men. I only hope it’s all just a bad joke. Any grievances should be directed at TBL. I’m a wee messenger.