With SGA elections around the corner, the question on everyone’s mind is who to vote for. The two parties, Spark and Vision, have been campaigning all over campus. Starting today, students will be able to vote on who they believe will do the better job representing the student body on campus. However, it seems as though a new party has entered the race. Say hello to the Acorn party.
It seems as if overnight, this odd little ragtag party has assembled itself and put together its strange campaign. I spoke with the presidential candidate to get an idea of what the party hopes to achieve. Walnut Treehopper is a junior at the University, who when asked about their major they said, “What are you a cop? I’m a normal human student. I go to classes and stuff here. Step off, man.”
After that rocky start to the interview, I finally got them to explain why they decided to join the race so late. Treehopper stated, “We have needs as real students who are enrolled and go to class and have access to the restaurants on campus. We want to show our fellow squ- I mean human students that they are seen and heard.”
Stacy Realgirl, the Acorn vice presidential candidate and sophomore hospitality management major, told me about what the party hopes to achieve if they are elected. “We’re going to make some big changes around here. One thing we talked about was leaving the doors to the union open pretty much at all times. Just to make it easier, you know, more accessible. We really need to be able to get into Chick-Fil-A and McAlisters as much and as fast as possible.”
“To build on that, we’ve been talking about a mandate to require students to leave out food for the squirrels on the campus. Just putting out half of your fries or dropping an ice cream cone is actually really healthy and yummy for us. Someone spilled a milkshake by Burke the other day and I’ve been really going to town on that I-”
At this point in the interview I watched Realgirl get tackled by Treehopper. While the two worked that out, the party’s treasurer, Ess Kwirl, junior psychology major reassured me all was normal. “Stacy is just kidding about that milkshake thing. She’s funny like that. But the rest of it is all true. We really do not talk enough about how damaged closed doors are for students who just want to get into places like the dining hall.”
“On top of that, we also would like to ban birds from campus entirely.” When I asked him to elaborate he simply said, “For obvious reasons. Anyway we also will be trying to get the Campus Cupboard to expand their selection to include nuts.”
I asked Kwirl what other things the party had planned perhaps to help students thrive on campus. He told me that everything they had spoken about was for the good of the school and if I couldn’t understand that I’m stupid and I shouldn’t go here. It hurt my feelings, so I ended the interview.
So, if you are looking for a new and innovative party run by three shady people in lumpy trenchcoats, the Acorn party is the one for you! It is unclear if they are technically even allowed to be running and none of them could show me proof that they actually attend the University, but who am I to argue with passionate young politicians.
With their slogan “Trashcans shouldn’t have lids,” they are taking campus by storm. If they win, be sure to expect open doors, less birds and a lot of food strewn around on the ground.