SATIRE – Democrats in the Senate set aside their differences for long enough to draft a comprehensive plan to fix America, which they then promptly threw into a fire.
The plan, known as the Oh My God Why Didn’t We Do This Earlier Plan, included a variety of measures to alleviate the suffering of the vast majority of Americans and to put the country at the same or on a higher level as every other developed country on Earth.
It included things like the implementation of universal healthcare, the transfer of the means of production to the working class, a high-speed passenger railway spanning the entirety of the continental United States and the formation of an elite tactical unit to close the portal to Hell that has opened up in Ohio.
Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer, D-NY, spoke on the party’s decision to throw the plan into a roaring fire that they started in the woods.
“I assure you, we did not throw the Oh My God Why Didn’t We Do This Earlier Plan into a fire because of any real fault with it, nor did we do it because it would be too much work to implement, or because it exceeded our reading comprehension levels. It was actually a very concise, straight-to-the-point plan that would’ve swiftly set America on the right path. Sorry, what was the question?” Schumer asked.
“Oh, right,” Schumer said, taking a sip of a mystery liquid. “Well, the fire was right there, and the plan was right there, and it just felt right to put those two together. But make sure to vote blue in the next election cycle so that we can draft and burn another plan. Those nasty Republicans want to take your rights, and we’re here to make sure they’re not able to do that immediately but can instead constantly hold the threat of it over your heads.”
The greatest controversy has sparked from the entirety of the U.S. government, either ignoring or calling for solidarity with the portal to Hell that tore through reality and appeared in central Ohio earlier this month.
Legions of demons, the eternally damned and former president Ronald Reagan have been seen emerging from the portal, bringing death and destruction throughout the country. The Oh My God Why Didn’t We Do This Earlier Plan had a measure to create a specialized unit, known as The Holy Seals, armed with weapons blessed by the Pope to assault and ultimately close the Hell Portal.
Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, R-KY, has been one of the most outspoken supporters of maintaining the Hell Portal.
“We can’t close it. It’s simply not a matter to be trifled with by mere mortals,” McConnell said. “In fact, it could well be our salvation. These Democrats always go on about ‘alternative energy,’ yet they won’t even entertain the idea of utilizing Hell energy to fuel our country. We should be maintaining this thing, caring for it as best we can. If it demands we throw orphans into it, we should do exactly that.”
McConnell clarified that he has no ulterior motives for wanting to keep the Hell Portal open.
“I am definitely not being kept alive by the satanic energy that radiates from the portal,” McConnell said as his eyes began to glow an ominous red and his lips started to turn as black as night.
Sen. Bernie Sanders, I-VT, has been reluctant to speak much on the issue after having been seen sitting in a corner with his favorite mittens as the Oh My God Why Didn’t We Do This Earlier Plan was thrown into the fire, powerless to save it.
“I’m so mad,” Sanders said.
President Joe Biden spoke recently on the issue of the Hell Portal, dismissing it and saying that Americans must focus on more pressing issues.
“Okay yes, there is a portal to Hell that is currently flooding our nation with a horde of demons the likes of which have never been seen on the face of the planet. But there are more serious issues than that. We need to stop fighting over this portal, and come together to ensure that Donald Trump is not victorious in the next election, and also to be tough on China.”
Former president Donald Trump declined to share his thoughts on the Hell Portal.
“Can’t hear you. Playing golf,” Trump said.